No More Nights.

My mind is over-indulging itself in a series of complex thoughts and as hard as I’m trying to not over-extend myself…. I know who I am and I know that I’m stumbling over thoughts more than I should be. I wish things were different. That my thoughts made sense and had some sort of fluid motion. I wish I understood my thoughts so that when I get into this mindset, I could control what I’m thinking. It’s been a long time since I’ve allowed myself to delve this deep into who I am and what I want with my life. My inability to let others fully grasp who I am has always been a bit frightening to me, but what scares me the most is my ability to push people away when the going gets tough. It’s funny, when I look back at the last year and realize how much I’ve changed I realize it wasnt really all for the better like I imagined. I thought that time would make myself feel better about the things I had done to hurt myself and others in the past, but it didn't. It just made me forget about it for a while.

Simply a Vent.

i think that often times we get caught up in life and its wonders. this idea has been stated so many ways in my life that i’m not always sure what to make of it. we wander through life with this idea that we’re on the correct path, but often times we wonder off that path and find ourselves lost in the world and it’s wonders. we have the ability as humans so experience extreme highs and extreme lows and we take those parts of our lives in stride. very few of us possess that feeling of power and the idealism of those around us, as of late make me tired, tired, tired. i wish that people had the ability express their emotions and all the other things going on in their life in a mature concise way, but most of us just dont possess the qualities necessary to do that. we dwindle and wander through life wanting people to basically live for us, instead of shaping us, they just take your experiences and mold them into other things.

if your experiences are the things that shape you, what the fuck are you going to do when boundaries are set and you must travel alone on the path? do you unravel like a ball of yarn or do you place bread crumbs so you know the way back?

think about it.

I can do better, so much better.

it's Monday morning, checked my cell phone

but nobody's calling me

I tried to ignore it, but it's sinking in that

I'm all alone with me

so I stare at your picture for the last time

to ease my mind, this time I even break down and cry

I had good reason for leaving you

I was never enough for you

You had me downing myself, putting me down

I'ma keep smiling, I'ma keep it moving,

cause I don't need you, don't need you

I'ma keep smiling, I'ma keep it moving,

cause I don't need you, don't need you

no more

and baby I stayed with you so long that I lost myself

now who would've thought that someone so independent

would become so damn submissive?

and sometimes in the back of my mind

I'll be missing you

but I can get through this

cause I can do better, so much better

cause I've been down and out too long

it's time to pick my head up baby

learn how to be a better baby

this heartbreak ends today

I'll be moving on

and I won't give up on love

I No Longer Shine For You

At this time, my eyes are heavy, my body aches for sleep, my head longs for the pillow on my bed. It is not the same without you here in the limited space my bed offers. In fact, the space you used to use has stretched to feel infinite when my hand feels the need to search it for you. It will slide its way over unwrinkled sheets, only to have the tips of its fingers meet the cold wall. The coolness jolts me into remembering you have a new place, a new bed, a new warmth to cling to.

I'm not sorry for not being your brand of romance. The biggest, and most foolish, part of me can never allow my heart to give up on the idea of love. Love is just as hard as it easy, as upsetting as it is happy and much more complex than every other emotion is capable of feeling. Love is, after all, the root of the emotions coming through us at any given moment.
Maybe there will be a day when you are able to sit and think of me. There may even be a thought about how the concept of "us" could have been. You will remember the way my hand felt in yours or the unconditional support I gave to you when no one else could see the your potentional.

When this is the case, when the thought of me with you crosses your mind, remember only one truth: Had you chosen differently, you would have never had to wonder if you could have had it all. Had you not been so blind, you would have gotten to hold a beautiful star in your hands instead of having to wish on different ones for the chance to catch it again. The star would have never left your hands. It was happy in only them.

But, because you couldn't handle the shine, you let it go to rest in the hands of someone that welcomed the glow and treasured every speck of dust the star gave off. When you see this, it will be the only time you will ever realize how it felt to be without the one your heart beats for, how I felt when you hung me back in the darkness of night while you searched for a star with a more attractive swirl.