one of the hardest aspects of time to deal with is change because it is inescapable. you can know someone inside and out, you can finish their sentences, you can know every fray in their moral fiber, but in the end, this connection is not guaranteed. you can know a second-by-second play by play of a treasured memory, but that does not mean it will stay that way and repeat over and over to your liking. you may feel so in tune with someone’s emotions, but their feelings are subject to change at any given moment in time (just as yours are.) it sometimes comes as a shock, because after all, people are better actors than they give themselves credit for… something little can build and develop, and with time, it can lead to a significant change that seemingly comes out of nowhere. how did this person you thought you knew turn out to be so deceiving? how can a moment not go on forever? i think it has a lot to do with how everyone changes as they go through stages in their lives, and how we assume we know more about others than we actually do. this is something i’ve been thinking about for awhile, so i thought i might as well sort it out via writing because it helps me understand my own feelings.
have you ever just stopped to think about who you were a week ago, a day ago, a year ago? the changes that come with each interval may produce an “oh yeah, i forgot what it was like to feel this way or to be in that situation” effect… being aware that change is eternally and constantly occurring is something you may have to train yourself to do (that is, if it’s gradual and doesn’t come as a knock to the head.) we are always changing, even if we are more likely to notice change in others than in ourselves. i know for a fact i have unintentionally hurt people by changing and realizing that my more developed self just wasn’t as compatible with them as the one before i experienced and learned more. it is so hard to say “i’m sorry, i just don’t know anymore” and have to try to explain something you don’t even understand yourself.
in addition, i definitely assume that people understand my emotions better than they actually do (even though i am extremely open about what i am feeling.) the step-by-step process behind what i’m feeling may not make sense to someone else who doesn’t connect things the same way i do, and at times i have to explain myself by looking at the situation from a different perspective. comprehension does not have a standard that each person follows… i have learned with time that every thought i share with someone i have to tailor to fit them and how they understand situations. people are so so so unique (as cliche as that sounds,) so it only makes sense to adapt to their essence when interacting with them. the way i perceive someone’s mentality may be completely off from what its actually like, but i will have convinced myself that i understand their emotions and i’m right about it all because i’m using my way of thinking as a setting point.
so you may be asking what to do with the vulnerable state of being that change leaves us in? well, at this moment in time, i think we are supposed to learn how to appreciate something in its most beautiful state to you (despite the fact that it changes.) i know it hurts like hell and all you want to do is live in that moment forever and you can’t understand why you can’t hold that experience just to relive it whenever you want and you don’t get why things seem so wonderful if they are going to mold into something unrecognizable….
well, this is something i need to work on. i have a tendency to not be able to grasp why something that makes me thrive cannot last forever and i become upset and start thinking nothing is worth it because it’s just going to change shape and laugh in my face, but i know that i should step back and look at the situation with my ever-changing perspective.
something that is beautiful is just that: delightful, euphoric, thrilling. why does its beauty have to die as it grows? it may be beautiful in other ways, other ways that i don’t appreciate as much because i have already programmed it as one way in my mind and selfishly want it to remain stagnant forever.
i have to start questioning if i want to be held in place by someone or by the past while nature tries pulling me to grow… do i want to be restrained and restricted in a cage-like existence because the ways i had affected someone’s life at that very moment or because i greedily want to relive something of the past? the answer is no, and i have an extremely hard time accepting that when it comes to other people and other experiences in my life.
no, i don’t want to be caged so why can’t i release the past? i’m caging myself by holding the past in such tight grips…
ahh life… such a mystery.
i need to learn that people who are meant to be in my life will be stay in my life. i can learn things from people without wanting to keep them forever, but i can also learn from someone continuously while being with them for the rest of my life. each person you interact with benefits your way of thinking in some way, and i can’t wait to see who God wants in my life forever and what i can learn, but i am also terrified of changing and letting new people in and old people go.
ps: i did not mention other outside forces to change and to growing such as motives, goals, intentions, etc! just some random thoughts thought i’d get them out
