It’s been euphoria or devastation for as long as I can remember.
It’s either being carried, being spread by the clouds or being smothered, being broken by them.
Sometimes I really think it’s a curse… I don’t want to be left gasping for air over something others shake off. (I always have to glance back, hands shielding eyes from the illumination that seemed permanent as it flees at a speed that bodies could never reach. Wasn’t I taught to not stare into the light? I can’t resist it.) But once I do, I just want Relief to come and numb me with her bouquets of opium harvested from a meadow so divine and so in tune with the workings of nature that it can change its coordinates every time I venture to find it. I know the calm won’t come so easily, and I know I have to feel everything. Emotion has to intoxicate the fiber of my being, reaching every nook within my heart and every cranny in every particle of every cell until I’m exhausted. Exhausted from being wrung out from the core out, from the surface in, and in every direction all at once and all together. I know I can’t get off the floor until my matter has first been ripped from me. It’s times like this that I want to run as fast as I can from the emotion within me, but I can’t keep my breath or footing with its monumental force on my coattail.
Do you think every great force has a reciprocal nature?
Other times I think the way I feel a blessing… I know the gift I’ve been given and I know that it’s beautiful and I know that it’s ecstascy in the most untampered form. Temporarily residing in a state of utter genuine bliss is incomparable. The beauty I’m talking about is natural, and it rips the painted coat off of any drug, revealing the charcoal underneath posing as gold. It’s made of innocence, of the childhood days spent running with hands out and chests up through the backstreets of the neighborhood, and of the nights continuing the adventure with the added company of a roof of interlaced stars. Have you ever heard a song and felt so connected to a chorus, or to a verse, or even to a line? Have you ever caught the smell of something you’re convinced is the same air that fills Heaven? This is the euphoria I’m talking about, and it’s every sense igniting from the core out, from the surface in, and in every direction all at once and all together. It’s times like this that I want to embrace everyone and everything with all I have, and I want to breathe and breathe and breathe and grasp the elevation with all I’m made of.
High and low, low and high.
(Coexistence at its finest.)
Overwhelmed, always.
(What grows must also sink, and what destroys must also birth. )
Ambiguity, always.
(A blessing in a curse’s costume, or a curse in a blessing’s costume?) v
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