///we climbed a mountain together///

I could build my life inside the higest of walls to prevent you from seeping in, but I knew you would find some devious way of slithering in through the cracks.

I am writing this, not out of hate for you, not in hopes of getting your sympathy, and not even to gain any act of redemption. I am not like you. I don't want comments. I don't want replies. These are my feelings lying on the table for display.

We climbed a mountain together. An icy cold mountain that was once filled with some far away word in the form of hope. We began so suddenly. You guided my hand toward yours and left us with only two hands to climb, but we managed. You insisted that we do this together. "I want something constant." "You don't know how good that sounds." We strolled, skipped, loved, lived. We acted like our days together were ultimately infinite. Like the two young lovers we were, we took frequent stops to lay down next to each other and exemplify our love deeper. And I can't recall the exact moment that I noticed the twinkle in your eye beginning to fade, or your love beginning to stray. But there was a moment. Your hand slowly began to lose grip of my own, but I managed to hold on. Every morning, I would wake up and call out to you but you were occupied with the music of intimacy. Not with me, of course. I was the last bird on your list. You came back to us in the wee hours of the morning, ready for me to love you, entertain you, cherish you... and of course I did. I built my entire life on waiting for you to come back. I pleaded constantly for you to come back earlier, but you blamed your absence on other people and as your companion, I attempted to comfort you in every way I knew humanly possible. I began to lose grip on myself and concentrated on only you and making you ahppy. Your love began to drift farther and farther away the more I reached for you. My hand was no where near yours, yet every morning, I would cry for you to come home. You never came. I was tortured by your absence. Until one day, you magically showed back up with a new found confidence. You insisted that we continue our journey. Oblivious to your deception and too excited to care, I went back to you with open arms and undivided love. We walked at a much faster pace this time, given that it was the only way I knew how to anymore. With every movement you made, I dissolved. I would ask you questions about the past, but you would just brush me off like the dirt beneath your feet. I was soon to be a culprit of the past. We finally reached the top and I held you in ecstasy, for the last time. In my relief and anticipation about our future, I failed to recognize the dagger approaching my flesh. You made a vertical cut directly down my chest and laid me to rest on the cold mountain. You were on quest to find a new improved version of me. I full awoke to your absence and vowed never to trust again. With time, I cured myself. I bandaged my wounds, and proceeded back down the mountain with a new outlook and a promise to never rely on you again for even the smallest of things. I am stronger now. So this is me now, telling you, that I made it back down the mountain without you. I don't need your meaningless words to hold me up anymore. I have myself. You rattled my spine long enough.

not worth it.

I don't know why I try to keep someone in my life. Better yet, I don't know why people disappoint me a lot. I don't really know what I did to deserve it. I can have someone in my life that means so much to me, and then it just all goes away real fast. I feel like giving up on everything and not willing to try to have someone.

I'm not sure if I make the right choices and I'm not sure if I should be making promises with a lot of people anymore. It's really not worth it, and I don't know if I trust people as much as I used to. I would love to, but it never really works out, ever. I'll always be there for the ones I love, they think I always forget about them and just move on with my life, it's not that easy at all. I would never want to move on and forget someone. It's not me.

You never know what you've got until it's gone. One of the quotes you should really listen to. Sometimes I'm the dumb ones and I leave the ones I love, but sometimes they leave me. I realize to myself that I just lost something that was amazing and something that always kept my going every single day. After they leave me, or I leave them, I break down. I don't know what to do anymore. I ask myself everyday is it even worth it? Should I try and get them back? Or should I just take a step forward and give up on it? I never know what to do, I never will, and I never know if the thing I do is right.

I know I'm just a 17 year old girl, and don't know much about love. Love is a strong word, and I know for a fact that no one really knows what it means. People may think they know what it means and know what it is, but you don't. You can be in a relationship that may last a lifetime but if you really think about it, what's love all about? Not just being with someone for such a long time. Not thinking about them 24/7. Sometimes I think someone needs to prove to me what love is, but no one can do that, since you don't even know what it is.

I don't know if I should even be looking for love, without knowing what it means. It could mean a lot of things, but, it may not be the right thing. It could break someone down, and just tear them apart. Hate and love; both strong words. Never use them unless you really mean it. A lot of people say, i hate you. Hate is a very strong word, and you never mean it. So don't say it. You'll regret it. But the main thing is, if you really need someone, or have someone you never want to let go, don't ever give up on anything.

My little e-minions

I have not done this in forever, so much as gone on. It's nearly been a year. I figure I'll start you off with my perspective on life thus far.
People come, people go-they'll drift in and out of your life, almost like characters in a favorite book. When you finally decide to close the cover, the characters have told their story and you start up again with another book, complete with new characters and adventures. Then you'll find yourself focusing on the new ones, not the ones from the past.
But you know, that may be true, but I'd rather forus on the new AND old. Everyone that has come into my life has made a difference. I wouldn't go back and change a thing. Everything and everyone that has happened to my life, has changed me, made my life better or worse. But its the learning experience they bring with them, lessons that I may not want to learn, but I do, and lessons that I love to learn.
So many people have come and gone into my life. And when they're gone, they find their way back, somehow. I may lose someone, but you know sometimes you have to lose someone completely before you can figure out what they really mean to you.
And well I've learned that life is full of waiting around for people. It could be small things, or big things. Like you have to wait around for people when they stand in the hall, or for someone to finish using the bathroom. Or something big like, waiting around for that one person to finally realize what they're doing, or waiting around for someone to come along and help you.
In my 17 years of living, I've learned so many lessons. Both good and bad. But when you learne a lesson that is bad, you seem to grow from it. It makes you stronger. It makes you realize things.
Things happen for a reason, you should realize that now. Everything that happens to you, will make you grow. I know I've learned that lesson over and over.