i think

one of the hardest aspects of time to deal with is change because it is inescapable. you can know someone inside and out, you can finish their sentences, you can know every fray in their moral fiber, but in the end, this connection is not guaranteed. you can know a second-by-second play by play of a treasured memory, but that does not mean it will stay that way and repeat over and over to your liking. you may feel so in tune with someone’s emotions, but their feelings are subject to change at any given moment in time (just as yours are.) it sometimes comes as a shock, because after all, people are better actors than they give themselves credit for… something little can build and develop, and with time, it can lead to a significant change that seemingly comes out of nowhere. how did this person you thought you knew turn out to be so deceiving? how can a moment not go on forever? i think it has a lot to do with how everyone changes as they go through stages in their lives, and how we assume we know more about others than we actually do. this is something i’ve been thinking about for awhile, so i thought i might as well sort it out via writing because it helps me understand my own feelings.

have you ever just stopped to think about who you were a week ago, a day ago, a year ago? the changes that come with each interval may produce an “oh yeah, i forgot what it was like to feel this way or to be in that situation” effect… being aware that change is eternally and constantly occurring is something you may have to train yourself to do (that is, if it’s gradual and doesn’t come as a knock to the head.) we are always changing, even if we are more likely to notice change in others than in ourselves. i know for a fact i have unintentionally hurt people by changing and realizing that my more developed self just wasn’t as compatible with them as the one before i experienced and learned more. it is so hard to say “i’m sorry, i just don’t know anymore” and have to try to explain something you don’t even understand yourself.

in addition, i definitely assume that people understand my emotions better than they actually do (even though i am extremely open about what i am feeling.) the step-by-step process behind what i’m feeling may not make sense to someone else who doesn’t connect things the same way i do, and at times i have to explain myself by looking at the situation from a different perspective. comprehension does not have a standard that each person follows… i have learned with time that every thought i share with someone i have to tailor to fit them and how they understand situations. people are so so so unique (as cliche as that sounds,) so it only makes sense to adapt to their essence when interacting with them. the way i perceive someone’s mentality may be completely off from what its actually like, but i will have convinced myself that i understand their emotions and i’m right about it all because i’m using my way of thinking as a setting point.

so you may be asking what to do with the vulnerable state of being that change leaves us in? well, at this moment in time, i think we are supposed to learn how to appreciate something in its most beautiful state to you (despite the fact that it changes.) i know it hurts like hell and all you want to do is live in that moment forever and you can’t understand why you can’t hold that experience just to relive it whenever you want and you don’t get why things seem so wonderful if they are going to mold into something unrecognizable….

well, this is something i need to work on. i have a tendency to not be able to grasp why something that makes me thrive cannot last forever and i become upset and start thinking nothing is worth it because it’s just going to change shape and laugh in my face, but i know that i should step back and look at the situation with my ever-changing perspective.

something that is beautiful is just that: delightful, euphoric, thrilling. why does its beauty have to die as it grows? it may be beautiful in other ways, other ways that i don’t appreciate as much because i have already programmed it as one way in my mind and selfishly want it to remain stagnant forever.

i have to start questioning if i want to be held in place by someone or by the past while nature tries pulling me to grow… do i want to be restrained and restricted in a cage-like existence because the ways i had affected someone’s life at that very moment or because i greedily want to relive something of the past? the answer is no, and i have an extremely hard time accepting that when it comes to other people and other experiences in my life.

no, i don’t want to be caged so why can’t i release the past? i’m caging myself by holding the past in such tight grips…

ahh life… such a mystery.

i need to learn that people who are meant to be in my life will be stay in my life. i can learn things from people without wanting to keep them forever, but i can also learn from someone continuously while being with them for the rest of my life. each person you interact with benefits your way of thinking in some way, and i can’t wait to see who God wants in my life forever and what i can learn, but i am also terrified of changing and letting new people in and old people go.

ps: i did not mention other outside forces to change and to growing such as motives, goals, intentions, etc! just some random thoughts thought i’d get them out

I don’t support mediocrity in emotion.

It’s been euphoria or devastation for as long as I can remember.

It’s either being carried, being spread by the clouds or being smothered, being broken by them.

Sometimes I really think it’s a curse… I don’t want to be left gasping for air over something others shake off. (I always have to glance back, hands shielding eyes from the illumination that seemed permanent as it flees at a speed that bodies could never reach. Wasn’t I taught to not stare into the light? I can’t resist it.) But once I do, I just want Relief to come and numb me with her bouquets of opium harvested from a meadow so divine and so in tune with the workings of nature that it can change its coordinates every time I venture to find it. I know the calm won’t come so easily, and I know I have to feel everything. Emotion has to intoxicate the fiber of my being, reaching every nook within my heart and every cranny in every particle of every cell until I’m exhausted. Exhausted from being wrung out from the core out, from the surface in, and in every direction all at once and all together. I know I can’t get off the floor until my matter has first been ripped from me. It’s times like this that I want to run as fast as I can from the emotion within me, but I can’t keep my breath or footing with its monumental force on my coattail.

Do you think every great force has a reciprocal nature?

Other times I think the way I feel a blessing… I know the gift I’ve been given and I know that it’s beautiful and I know that it’s ecstascy in the most untampered form. Temporarily residing in a state of utter genuine bliss is incomparable. The beauty I’m talking about is natural, and it rips the painted coat off of any drug, revealing the charcoal underneath posing as gold. It’s made of innocence, of the childhood days spent running with hands out and chests up through the backstreets of the neighborhood, and of the nights continuing the adventure with the added company of a roof of interlaced stars. Have you ever heard a song and felt so connected to a chorus, or to a verse, or even to a line? Have you ever caught the smell of something you’re convinced is the same air that fills Heaven? This is the euphoria I’m talking about, and it’s every sense igniting from the core out, from the surface in, and in every direction all at once and all together. It’s times like this that I want to embrace everyone and everything with all I have, and I want to breathe and breathe and breathe and grasp the elevation with all I’m made of.

High and low, low and high.

(Coexistence at its finest.)

Overwhelmed, always.

(What grows must also sink, and what destroys must also birth. )

Ambiguity, always.

(A blessing in a curse’s costume, or a curse in a blessing’s costume?) v

///we climbed a mountain together///

I could build my life inside the higest of walls to prevent you from seeping in, but I knew you would find some devious way of slithering in through the cracks.

I am writing this, not out of hate for you, not in hopes of getting your sympathy, and not even to gain any act of redemption. I am not like you. I don't want comments. I don't want replies. These are my feelings lying on the table for display.

We climbed a mountain together. An icy cold mountain that was once filled with some far away word in the form of hope. We began so suddenly. You guided my hand toward yours and left us with only two hands to climb, but we managed. You insisted that we do this together. "I want something constant." "You don't know how good that sounds." We strolled, skipped, loved, lived. We acted like our days together were ultimately infinite. Like the two young lovers we were, we took frequent stops to lay down next to each other and exemplify our love deeper. And I can't recall the exact moment that I noticed the twinkle in your eye beginning to fade, or your love beginning to stray. But there was a moment. Your hand slowly began to lose grip of my own, but I managed to hold on. Every morning, I would wake up and call out to you but you were occupied with the music of intimacy. Not with me, of course. I was the last bird on your list. You came back to us in the wee hours of the morning, ready for me to love you, entertain you, cherish you... and of course I did. I built my entire life on waiting for you to come back. I pleaded constantly for you to come back earlier, but you blamed your absence on other people and as your companion, I attempted to comfort you in every way I knew humanly possible. I began to lose grip on myself and concentrated on only you and making you ahppy. Your love began to drift farther and farther away the more I reached for you. My hand was no where near yours, yet every morning, I would cry for you to come home. You never came. I was tortured by your absence. Until one day, you magically showed back up with a new found confidence. You insisted that we continue our journey. Oblivious to your deception and too excited to care, I went back to you with open arms and undivided love. We walked at a much faster pace this time, given that it was the only way I knew how to anymore. With every movement you made, I dissolved. I would ask you questions about the past, but you would just brush me off like the dirt beneath your feet. I was soon to be a culprit of the past. We finally reached the top and I held you in ecstasy, for the last time. In my relief and anticipation about our future, I failed to recognize the dagger approaching my flesh. You made a vertical cut directly down my chest and laid me to rest on the cold mountain. You were on quest to find a new improved version of me. I full awoke to your absence and vowed never to trust again. With time, I cured myself. I bandaged my wounds, and proceeded back down the mountain with a new outlook and a promise to never rely on you again for even the smallest of things. I am stronger now. So this is me now, telling you, that I made it back down the mountain without you. I don't need your meaningless words to hold me up anymore. I have myself. You rattled my spine long enough.

not worth it.

I don't know why I try to keep someone in my life. Better yet, I don't know why people disappoint me a lot. I don't really know what I did to deserve it. I can have someone in my life that means so much to me, and then it just all goes away real fast. I feel like giving up on everything and not willing to try to have someone.

I'm not sure if I make the right choices and I'm not sure if I should be making promises with a lot of people anymore. It's really not worth it, and I don't know if I trust people as much as I used to. I would love to, but it never really works out, ever. I'll always be there for the ones I love, they think I always forget about them and just move on with my life, it's not that easy at all. I would never want to move on and forget someone. It's not me.

You never know what you've got until it's gone. One of the quotes you should really listen to. Sometimes I'm the dumb ones and I leave the ones I love, but sometimes they leave me. I realize to myself that I just lost something that was amazing and something that always kept my going every single day. After they leave me, or I leave them, I break down. I don't know what to do anymore. I ask myself everyday is it even worth it? Should I try and get them back? Or should I just take a step forward and give up on it? I never know what to do, I never will, and I never know if the thing I do is right.

I know I'm just a 17 year old girl, and don't know much about love. Love is a strong word, and I know for a fact that no one really knows what it means. People may think they know what it means and know what it is, but you don't. You can be in a relationship that may last a lifetime but if you really think about it, what's love all about? Not just being with someone for such a long time. Not thinking about them 24/7. Sometimes I think someone needs to prove to me what love is, but no one can do that, since you don't even know what it is.

I don't know if I should even be looking for love, without knowing what it means. It could mean a lot of things, but, it may not be the right thing. It could break someone down, and just tear them apart. Hate and love; both strong words. Never use them unless you really mean it. A lot of people say, i hate you. Hate is a very strong word, and you never mean it. So don't say it. You'll regret it. But the main thing is, if you really need someone, or have someone you never want to let go, don't ever give up on anything.

My little e-minions

I have not done this in forever, so much as gone on. It's nearly been a year. I figure I'll start you off with my perspective on life thus far.
People come, people go-they'll drift in and out of your life, almost like characters in a favorite book. When you finally decide to close the cover, the characters have told their story and you start up again with another book, complete with new characters and adventures. Then you'll find yourself focusing on the new ones, not the ones from the past.
But you know, that may be true, but I'd rather forus on the new AND old. Everyone that has come into my life has made a difference. I wouldn't go back and change a thing. Everything and everyone that has happened to my life, has changed me, made my life better or worse. But its the learning experience they bring with them, lessons that I may not want to learn, but I do, and lessons that I love to learn.
So many people have come and gone into my life. And when they're gone, they find their way back, somehow. I may lose someone, but you know sometimes you have to lose someone completely before you can figure out what they really mean to you.
And well I've learned that life is full of waiting around for people. It could be small things, or big things. Like you have to wait around for people when they stand in the hall, or for someone to finish using the bathroom. Or something big like, waiting around for that one person to finally realize what they're doing, or waiting around for someone to come along and help you.
In my 17 years of living, I've learned so many lessons. Both good and bad. But when you learne a lesson that is bad, you seem to grow from it. It makes you stronger. It makes you realize things.
Things happen for a reason, you should realize that now. Everything that happens to you, will make you grow. I know I've learned that lesson over and over.